Mein Experienzen Attendingen Universitat

I once remember thinking that college was a mystical place, populated by academic wizards and the occasional child prodigy hobbits. In college, the girls had boobs; the guys had beards. Everyone looked so old and wise. Even as I graduated from high school, I wondered how I could ever fit in. Then I realized the truth: university is for retards.

I don't attend an Ivy League school. In fact, Utah State University probably isn't even in the same genus. We're not protozoa league here, but we've settled somewhat comfortably into the notion of kicking ass at mediocrity. "You lie!" you're probably saying to your dried sneeze residue-covered computer screen. "Utah State sends more projects into space than any other university in the world." Yeah, I send plenty of methane projects into space on a daily basis. "Ah, but Utah State has an exceptional engineering program," you counter, your eye twitching in anticipation of your victory over your unseen opponent, me. Mmmm, do let's calculate the maximum weight-bearing load of an elephant phallus. Although I'm sure elephant phalli are fascinating, and I'm sure their weight-bearing capabilities are unrivaled in the animal kingdom--can you imagine the pinwheel or around-the-world with a 70-ton, tusked (if "she" is tusked, I suppose our subject is a transgender pachyderm) female?--I'm still not too worried about creating the most beautiful suspension bridge or the most maze-like parking structure.

Aside from ripping on my school so much that the Beach Boys just may see fit to rape me with their 409's, I do have a definite purpose to this post. I would like to iterate--reiterate to those of you to whom I bitch on a regular basis--the reasons why the whole college experience pisses me of.

1. Each and every college student is obsessed with the word "random." It's as though their parents were Adolf and Eva; each activity, each meal was so rigidly structured during high school that graduation represented escape on par with leaving Auschwitz. "Oh my God, I can stay up late now!" or "Holy shit, I'm independent! I shall now proceed to celebrate my new-found independence by asserting myself in strange ways. First, I'm going to take pictures of my ass-ugly friends and post them in a Facebook album called 'RaNdOm' or 'randomness'. Oh, I just can't decide which! Next, I'm going to do a bunch of idiotic shit, call it random, and then calmly talk about it in class. . . " See where I'm going with this? Random is the toss of a dice, not your fucking life. Now Russian Roulette, that's random. There's a fun Facebook album.

2. College students complain about money. Fair enough, so does everyone. But don't tell me that your daddy pays for your school, and you have a scholarship but you really need a sub-par quality meal from that chain restaurant down the street. Sure, I make unintelligent choices about money (I bought a Wii, for Christ's sake), but I don't tell people about it. I leave my fiscal irresponsibility between myself and the tellers at my bank that just love to charge me overdraft fees.

3. Macaroni and fucking cheese. Top Ramen. Peanut butter and jelly. All the other various and sundry "college foods" that my fellow students love talking about. Does anyone really survive on this shit? Is it really surviving if one does? Don't tell me it's cheaper than eating right. A head of lettuce is cheap. Don't tell me it's easy. You can boil pasta and throw some sauce on it; that's easy.

4. College students are busy? No shit. People are busy. "I'm just so swamped. I have, like, a 3-page essay due in a week. I just can't wait 'til I graduate." Yeah, graduating makes everything easier. Once you have your Bachelor of Science in Whatthefuckever with a minor in Uselesscrap, your life will seriously calm down. The workplace is neither as competitive nor as stressful as college. Stick it out; you'll make it.

5. Here is my greatest letdown so far: college students are idiots. One would think that after twelve or so years of education a person might start to get a handle on things like basic math and a sense of responsibility. Oh, and you'd think that your average university attendee might have at least a basic knowledge of the language which he or she, in all likelihood, grew up speaking. You'd be wrong. College students are no smarter than high-school dropouts; they're just more motivated. The majority cannot speak correctly nor write correctly. The conventions of the English language, minor things like punctuation and syntax, seem less foreign to the foreigners than to many of my peers. "I will be writing this paper on comma splices, a comma splice occurs when a dumb person places two independent clauses together using only a comma as opposed to a conjunction or semicolon." or "Incorrect to use, I avoid dangling modifiers." There is a drift here that needs catching. Take care if it for me, will you?

I'm not saying that my college career has been bad (what could possibly have given you that impression?). I'm just saying that the antics of college-goers leave me utterly nonplussed. I'm guessing that the smart kids are off hiding in the hard sciences and math, not English. I'm guessing that the academics in any of the useful majors don't have enough time on their hands to post vitriol like this. Oh well, I'm not complaining. Rather, I'm stating truths with which I find myself upset. There's a fine difference between the two. Figure it out.