A Post with Multiple References to Prostitution

I didn't expect the fact that by my fourth post, I would have nothing to say. So writing this is like me sitting on the toilet with a supposedly empty ass; there might be something in there, so I just have to sit--and push--until something glorious comes out. Yeah, glorious is definitely the right word in both situations. What can I say? I'm good at what I do.

I must say that I'm glad that we've apparently averted the pig-induced apocalypse. Even though I knew the news was blowing the whole swine flu thing out of proportion, I still took precautions. I squeezed hand sanitizer into a paper towel and wiped down the phones at work. I think my Swedish supervisor has it, and I wanted to be safe. Well, now that the flu--spelled fleaux in France--has "only" killed a couple hundred people and is abating, I guess all my gel-based preparations were unnecessary. It's also refreshing to see that the news media has basically forgot all about the Pigpocalypse. I guess it's possible the world will end later this year, when the flu might come back more virulent than before, but it's nice to have a bit of a reprieve from all the gloom and doom. It's hard to write a will when all you're thinking about is death . . .

Here's something pointless: the new Wolverine movie sucked balls, a lot of balls. Cheesiest, dumbest, most cliched movie ever. Did I mention that I truly love X-men? No? Well, I do. Going into the theater--theatre in Britain--I expected a certain level of crapitude. Hugh and his gang of shitmakers really surpassed my forecasts. I can't deny that I liked seeing some headless dude shoot red stuff out of his eyes while simultaneously being dead and destroying a nuclear reactor, but that's about as far as my enjoyment went.

I don't have anything life-changing or semi-clever to say, so I'll just reminisce about my day. How fun for me, eh? I woke up with a bit of a headache. . . no surprise there. I woke up at 11 AM . . . big fucking surprise there. I haven't awakened in AM's for a while, night-pees notwithstanding. I popped a Zicam. That's right, I got sick even after sanitizing the hell out of my workplace. Lesson learned: if the hooker has crusty snot below her nose, pay a little more for one that looks a little more fresh. Anyway, Zicam has zinc in it; apparently, zinc is good for my body when I have a cold.

Next, I decided to make myself a bowl of oatmeal. Fiber keeps me regular (not that I need any help: 3 today!). I put the oats and water in the bowl, ready to stick that bitch in the microwave for exactly two minutes. I held the bowl in my hands and looked around my kitchen. Yeah, no microwave. Since I wasn't about to boil water on the stove, I decided to dump the oats down the sink and eat treats for breakfast. I finished off the treats my mom made for my birthday. They tasted better than squashed plant genitals. Who knew?

Wow, even I'm getting bored with this. Well, that's the first 10 or so minutes of my day. Can you just imagine the rest? It was like going to Disneyland if Walt Disney was a pimp and Disneyland was actually Disneybordello. Yeah.

I just found a shirt in my closet, a shirt that I haven't even seen for a few months. I had forgotten all about it. It's bright orange with a fiery, yellow pumpkin face on it. So if you need anyone to jack your lantern, I'm your man . . . for fifty bucks (forty if you let me snort cocaine off your left middle finger's knuckle).

I have to say I'm a little impressed with myself. After thinking I had blogger's block, I managed to squeeze this one out. It's liquidy and full of skank-references. And the blog post worked out fairly well too.

P.S. Whores!